[SB] Sabbath Blessing

[Molly Wolf]

New Year

The new year and I are staring at each other blankly, trying to make 
each other out.

The old year ended with a major shift, in that I put an ancient 
misery out of its misery, which was a good thing and a sort of 
clearing of decks. But now the decks look empty. I'm in a good space, 
for the first time in a very long time, but I'm not quite sure what 
I'm supposed to be doing with myself.

The theological answer, as always, is "God", but that's too abstract 
and too pat. Maybe others do God-stuff intellectually, but my best 
God-stuff is always relational, and relational is a bit of a blank 
space at the moment. Oh, I have my beloveds, my children and my 
friends, but if they filled my days to completion, that would mean 
that I was taking up too much space in theirs. I have my work, which 
I also love, but it's an intermittent business. Housekeeping never 
has cut it for me. So what am I supposed to do with myself?

It occurs to me, far too slowly (as always) that maybe this might be 
an issue for prayer. Maybe I'm supposed to let God make some 
decisions about the directions I should be taking in this year. Mind 
you, that means actually *trusting* God, and my trust tends to be a 
sort-of thing. It's not that I don't trust God to make the right 
decisions; it's more trusting God to make them clear to me, because 
in the past, that hasn't always happened.

What I really want is skywriting. Or, as a friend of mine put it, I 
want God to put it out there in English, neon, and bright pink. I 
want a voice thundering from Heaven telling me exactly what I should 
be doing, and how I should be doing it.

But submission means not only submitting my quite formidable will; it 
means submitting all the other stuff: my need for clarity, for 
example. It means handing over the past fully and completely and 
believing that the present is where a person should dwell, letting 
God look after what's yet to come. That's a considerable stretch for 
a strong-minded woman.

Would I jump if God yelled "Jump"? Quite likely, as I am an obliging 
person. But how would I know it was God yelling "Jump!" and not some 
other supernatural being? I have had enough experience with the Other 
Side to know that it can put on a pretty convincing God-act -- hence 
that business about "the wisdom to know the difference". Some of the 
holiest, healthiest people I've ever encountered were not Christians, 
and some of the sickest chickens I've ever encountered were. Is problem.

Another layer of trust: that the people sent into my life are the 
people who are supposed to be there, for the time being, for whatever 
reason. Oh, boy, God, this is asking an awful lot....

I have to remember that what often stands between me and the face of 
my Maker is pain -- the pain of sin received and the pain of sin 
committed -- but also that sin has already been defeated, hard as 
that is to believe sometimes. The essential thing is to "let go and 
let God" for the whole shebang. I will give that another try.

Meanwhile, the new year waits. I think it's going to be a good one.

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A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in 
no other way. -- Mark Twain